Monday, December 9, 2013

[Actual Play] Glasgow Avengers: Klepto Christmas Basterds

This Saturday was our GUGS Christmas party and, to get in the festive spirit, we hosted a variety of Christmas-themed one-shots. I had the pleasure (and horror at certain points) of being in Doc’s game: ‘Glasgow Avengers: Klepto Christmas Basterds’. The game was a lot of fun, but the humour was quite dark. And I must have been in a weird mood (or the beer just went right to my head) because I have no idea why the Munitionist decided to accost two random elves for not looking happy enough. Or why it escalated so badly. I’m truly sorry, guys. Anyway, on to the actual play...


THE CAST
Drop-Bear (played by Blair)
Elasti-Knight (played by Phil G)
The Fractured Friar (played by Sam V)
The Magenta Munitionist (played by me)
Quantabella (played by Heather W)
Super-Rab (played by Coops)


The Glasgow Avengers qre rudely awoken by their boss/landlady to go patrol Buchanan Galleries for their Santa Day, with orders to go incognito, so as not to upstage the big guy in the red suit with a white beard (with shades of ginger poking through).


Of course, nothing ever goes smooth when you’re in the superheroics business, and no sooner have the Avengers arrived than a rather odd group of terrorists lock down Buchanan Galleries and hold its customers hostage. The terrorists are led by a bearded elf by the name of Rickmanus, who has with him the Reproachable Snowman, the razor-beaked Penguin, another trigger happy elf with a big gun, and other assorted elf mooks. Plus some stuffed teddy bears that turn into grizzlies at the tug of a bow.


As the Avengers do battle with the various elf goons with their magic dust that either stops time or dissolves matter, as well as their grizzly bears, Rickmanus announces that the elves are displeased with how parents and department store Santas are getting all of the credit that they feel is owed to themselves and their glorious leader (Santa, of course), and they will use Buchannan Galleries to set an example. He then sets off pre-installed devices which start pumping dust out through the air vents.


The Fractured Friar saves himself and the team from getting caught in the dust cloud by warping reality and teleporting them outside. As this is a decidedly unpleasant experience, Super-Rab projectile vomits at everyone except for the Munitionist and Elasti-Knight, who have the presence of mind to dodge. As he had already previously vomited the contents of his stomach on Quantabella (thanks to the Munitionist hose feeding him Budweiser, which he had an averse reaction to on account of it not being Tennants), most of what was expelled was bile. Needless to say, it was an unpleasant experience for all involved.


The Avengers bust their way back inside and taking the escalator to reach the floor where Rickmanus and his lieutenants are preparing to execute Santa. At Super-Rab’s request, the Munitionist draws a weapon from her infinite arsenal to ‘unlock’ the door to the store where the terrorists are holed up. Since she was just looking for something to blow open the door, to her (and everyone else’s) horror, the gun she produces fires a squirrel at the door which explodes upon contact. The door is destroyed amidst a shower of squirrel entrails and the Munitionist throws away the offending weapon in disgust. Quantabella thinks it’s pretty neat though, and picks it up to keep for herself.


The Avengers each face off against Rickmanus’ lieutenants and an assortment of mooks, with Super-Rab taking on Rickmanus himself. Unfortunately, Super-Rab discovers that Rickmanus is much stronger than his small stature would suggest, and finds himself getting a right kicking.


Quantabella, having previously decided to save a blast of pure serendipity (generated while attempting to make Super-Rab be wearing boxers instead of a man-kini), uses this to make all of Rickmanus’ muscles cramp up, giving Super-Rab an opening to exploit.


The Munitionist faces off against Trigger Happy the elf in an Old West-style showdown, they draw simultaneously, but Happy grins as the Munitionist takes an extra second to aim the odd gun with a dish on the end that she produces, allowing him to fire first. She sidesteps and the bullet whips past her hair, and she fires her ray gun at Trigger Happy.


The ray causes him to shrink down to a third of his previous size, at which point Elasti-Knight - during his battle against the Penguin - pins him to the floor by driving the Penguin’s nose through the fallen elf’s shoulder and through the floor, sticking it in place.


Quantabella uses her probability-altering powers to make it more likely the heating is set too high, and the Irreproachable Snowman soon melts into a watery puddle.


Meanwhile, Super-Rab had seemed to gain the upper hand in his fight against Rickmanus, and had started running circles around him to create a vortex. However, Rickmanus recovered enough from Quantabella’s attack to put a finger out and proceeded to give Super-Rab a super-wedgie, snapping Rab’s undies back at him, producing an audible pop, after which Super-Rab was left curled up in a ball while still floating in the air. It also caused the other male members of the Glasgow Avengers to be paralysed in sympathetic horror.


The team soon recovers though, and as Rickmanus stands over Super-Rab, ready to finish him off with a sprinkle of corrosive magical dust, Drop-Bear and Elasti-Knight recover and team up with Quantabella, with Drop-Bear giving Elasti-Knight enough momentum to throw his shield at air-rending speed and Quantabella firing a probability beam at the shield in flight to make sure Elasti-Knight had sharpened the rim to a razor edge. With their combined powers, they fire the shield at Rickmanus and neatly cut him in half, saving Super-Rab’s life, if not his fertility. No big loss there, but still...OUCH.


Pat is less than impressed with the mess her Avengers have left her to tidy up, but security footage will be doctored to cover up any...questionable actions on the Glasgow Avengers’ part. But the important thing is that Christmas is...well, saved but perhaps not unsullied by their intervention. So, we’ll call that a win, yeah?


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Please note that neither this blogger nor GUGS condones the use of suicide bomber squirrels. No real animals were harmed in the making of this RP session, because it’s just a game, after all.

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